Hope and Adversity

So, I was talking to my husband recently about our May deadline. (We are trying to naturally conceive before begging my doctor for Clomid.) In doing so, I really feel like I caught a tiny glimpse into his psyche. It struck me kind of funny when I realized he never prefaces his comments with doubt. He believes that we will become pregnant this year. And that scares the crap out of me! It is frightening to stand face to face with that level of faith and optimism. I soon realized that I myself will cling to the power of his positive faith. The more I cling to this good; the less difficult it is to fight the pessimism that tends to find its way into my head. I never considered myself a negative person, but I found as I get older the once blurred lines between sarcasm and wit are clearer. I set myself up for certain levels of failure the more I desire a certain end.

What’s more is it seems so counter cultural for me. While I have always had the unconditional love and support of my parents and husband; the same cannot be said in areas of my life. Example: My Tia turned to me saying, after I had just graduated from university, the only reason I accomplished this was because my sister had done the work for me. We had chosen opposite degree paths, but that didn’t seem to make a difference. My sister received her B.S. and I received a B.A. (the lesser accomplishment). It still bothers on occasion, but I can’t let it bring me down and I won’t let it ruin my relationship with my Tia. I realize most people spend their lives fighting and beating the odds stacked up against them. My life is not unique in adversity, but I can fight for an extraordinary life uniquely my own.

I think it is time to make more changes in my way of thinking. I can’t allow myself to succumb to defeat every time I get a negative pregnancy test. I believe more than ever that if I truly TRUST in God and surrender to His will; then a life filled with HOPE and LOVE can finally begin.