Hope and Adversity

So, I was talking to my husband recently about our May deadline. (We are trying to naturally conceive before begging my doctor for Clomid.) In doing so, I really feel like I caught a tiny glimpse into his psyche. It struck me kind of funny when I realized he never prefaces his comments with doubt. He believes that we will become pregnant this year. And that scares the crap out of me! It is frightening to stand face to face with that level of faith and optimism. I soon realized that I myself will cling to the power of his positive faith. The more I cling to this good; the less difficult it is to fight the pessimism that tends to find its way into my head. I never considered myself a negative person, but I found as I get older the once blurred lines between sarcasm and wit are clearer. I set myself up for certain levels of failure the more I desire a certain end.

What’s more is it seems so counter cultural for me. While I have always had the unconditional love and support of my parents and husband; the same cannot be said in areas of my life. Example: My Tia turned to me saying, after I had just graduated from university, the only reason I accomplished this was because my sister had done the work for me. We had chosen opposite degree paths, but that didn’t seem to make a difference. My sister received her B.S. and I received a B.A. (the lesser accomplishment). It still bothers on occasion, but I can’t let it bring me down and I won’t let it ruin my relationship with my Tia. I realize most people spend their lives fighting and beating the odds stacked up against them. My life is not unique in adversity, but I can fight for an extraordinary life uniquely my own.

I think it is time to make more changes in my way of thinking. I can’t allow myself to succumb to defeat every time I get a negative pregnancy test. I believe more than ever that if I truly TRUST in God and surrender to His will; then a life filled with HOPE and LOVE can finally begin.

Stress Homones Gone Wild

I don’t ovulate. Essentially my body just doesn’t. It is something akin to my body being in a perpetual state of stress. Something like stress hormones gone wild! So, there is no mystery as to why I can’t get pregnant. I actually know what is “wrong” with me or my body to be more accurate. If I work out it could-possibly-maybe-might improve my chances of getting pregnant, but if push too hard it might not. If I change my diet then my body might… ugh. Seriously, I’m done. I get it. Losing weight… which I have… didn’t guarantee a baby and IVF… well, with my odds it could be throwing good money after bad… or I guess I could attempt to give octo-mom a run for her money. (We, my husband and I, actually have no intention of doing IVF. Sad joke at someone else’s expense.)

But I want to try something. I’ve had this idea… You see in my past life, aka my life before I married, I was a Drug Counselor. The stress of the job wrecked any and all balance I had in my life. I have only myself to blame really. Now let’s flash forward to present day… I really do want to try to get pregnant, but on my own terms. And preferably before my next visit with my doc in May. If I’m not successful then I’ll take the medications necessary to get pregnant. But I have a plan!

THE PLAN:

I am going to begin living a life of balance. Complete with meditation and quiet contemplation (I will be meditating and reflecting with respect to my Christian faith)!

Step One: Getting comfortable with silence…

Next step: Acupuncture

My Magic Pill

Thursday was CD1. I know what you're thinking, "but didn't you just say you thought you ovulated the week before?" And the answer would be yes. I thought I did. So I was expecting AF around the 20th. And then Wednesday night right before I went to bed I had spotting. And I thought "oh no." So what's up with me thinking I'm ovulating when I'm not? I have no idea. Apparently doing this once before doesn't mean you'll be any good at doing it a second time.
I was off last cycle too. AF showed up around a week early. I started spotting but it never was full on AF. Nothing to ever fill a pad but it lasted the length of a normal period. Because I wasn't sure what it was I waited a few days to call my gyn and then by the time it all got sorted it was too late to do anything medication wise. This morning when I realized that it was the real deal I took my magic pill and called my gyn for the other magic pills.

This is my magic pill, Baby Aspirin. I've got faith in this pill. See last time I took this I got pregnant with GV. After 10 failed cycles over 14 months I finally decided that I needed something more. I had asked my RE what he thought and he dismissed it. But then on three blogs that I follow the blogger got pregnant the first cycle using baby aspirin. So I decided to give it a go. And it worked. So I'm going with it again.

BTW Romy if this is TMI for you don't worry you'll get use to it. And find in the future that you overshare too. ;)

the struggle

One of the things I'm struggling with TTC#2 is whether or not I'm allowed to to be as active/anxious about TTC  this time around. I mean, we've done it once and shouldn't that be enough? But then I think about GV not growing up with any siblings and I get so sad. Medically there is still something wrong with me because I'm not ovulating when I'm suppose to be. I remember at one of the support group meetings I went to the group leader reminded us that we would fix anything that was medically wrong with us. Our problem was that we couldn't conceive. And that's what kept me going when I had to write those outrageous checks for  medications. And when Kevin injected me with them. Going to doctor appts every couple of days.

But again, that was to conceive the first. I feel like I'm almost bound to just let what will happen happen. That I should be happy with one. And if it's only one then happy too. But I don't know if I can do that.

Meet The Wife

I am a 34 year old mother of an 18 month old miracle. After 15 months of prayers, medication, desperation and counting (everything) I was blessed to find myself pregnant with my son, GV. Nine months later we welcomed him to the world and our life has never been fuller.

I don't have PCOS but I do not ovulate on my own most times. GV is a clomid & baby aspirin baby. A clomid & baby aspirin after femara, HCG, HMG, several previous tries of clomid (at lower doses) baby. Now my husband, Kevin, and I are trying to conceive again. Technically we're on cycle #3 (see the counting has started again) but everything has been so messed up since I stopped BFing GV that I haven't really been able to take control keep track of what's going on. Technically I'm on CD27 today but I think if I ovulated then it's either just happened or is happening now. I think. I'm pretty sure. Maybe.

This is only the beginning.

I'm Romy. I am 31 years old and I have been married to Jim for over a year now. We have been trying to get pregnant for just as long. Jim is stronger than I am most days and won't ever accept that we may never have children. You see I am what they call "infertile"... Argh, that word reeks with indifference and clings to the back of my throat like molasses on a cold winter day. It seems so finite and ominous all in the same breath.

The irony is I thought I never really wanted children. As the oldest of 7, I had always felt I had assisted in enough children's lives to last a lifetime. My mother loves children and had a talent for raising us, but I liked to tell myself I didn't have that talent. In addition, I never thought or wondered if I could have kids. Fertility is a dominate trait in my family, therefore, I just naturally assumed I'd have my share one day.

Then at 16 I was diagnosed with PCOS, aka: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Medicine Net's definition: PCOS is a condition in women characterized by irregular or no menstrual periods, acne, obesity, and excess hair growth. At the time I was the image of physical fitness. Apart from the absence of menses and acne, I had no other symptoms. In retrospect, 16 is a bit young to be concerned with fertility, so, I let it shape my life. I figured God didn't want me to have kids anyway. Right?

What is strange is that I spent all my life refusing to accept my circumstances and now I realize I hadn't even tried to fight. That is until now...